Tiiiired.

I'm sitting at my computer desk after half attempting to clean my room waiting for 11pm to arrive. My car has broke and I managed to convince Heat to let me to take her car home for a couple hours if I stayed for a little over half the floorset tonight. I just have to pick her up and hang out with her afterwards. Its a good deal. No cab fare and I get something to do later!

This was a long ass weekend full of work. I'm tired.

Back to the room cleaning...

Happy 2008 on February the 23!

Allow me to start my first post in the new year (although very very late..) the right way. Its 11:40pm. I'm haggard. My eyes are bloodshot. I slept 3 hours the night before due to some alcoholic beverages and a place called the Capital. I worked 11 hours today, starting bright and early at 8am. I can't believe I'm still functional and alive. I work again tomorrow morning at 9:30. Sleep I need. Maybe I'll have to cut this post short but hopefully it has given me the motivation to want to right more often. I seem to have fallen out of it, and I used to sort of use it as a way to vent. A semi-stress reliever. I need more of that.

Day Two!

So I'm currently on day two. I actually made it through an entire day, although sleep was lacking.. I was wide awake and strung out until at least 3am (which sucked because I had to get up at 7:20 for work today). Hopefully I'll make it through tonight as well...although I'm planning on getting HAMMERED because its been two weeks since I last drank. And sometimes you don't always make the best decisions when you are drunk... Work today was pretty awful. I'll leave it at that. Sayonara folks!

Day One!

Day One of quitting yets continues... It's 10:23pm. This is the longest I've made it yet (I know...pathetic..) but at least I'm trying! I think I'm going to crack open a Moose light to satisfy my craving of relaxing after work (I just got home from a long 9 1/2 hour shift). Work wasn't bad today/tonight tho. I got to work on the window change. It's a great window this time, looks awesome!! Our district manager was also doing a store visit today but... I'm extremely extremely disappointed that she hasn't mentioned any promotion yet on my part... I mean, I've been doing the job of assistant manager since February but I just don't get assistant manager pay. I'm starting to get really frustrated with American Eagle. I definitely believe I'm ready for the promotion. If I didn't want to work at American Eagle I wouldn't still be there. I now have a degree and a $30 000 student loan. If I wanted to make a crap load of money and pay off my debts, I could move and find another job..and actual career that will be in my degree field.. but I love AE. I'm not ready to leave it, but I also don't know how much longer I can stick around if they are going to keep stringing me along... It's just not fair. Dave told me I'm the only keyholder that closes the store on their own (apparently they aren't technically allowed to close and do the deposit) but thats the way I was trained.. I've been missing out on so much money this year..

Anyways...Calgary? Do I want to actually just DO IT?

Sad/Frustrated/Angry/Happy?

I can't do it... I can't do this... I need to know that I'm wanted.

La de da de da.

I am home from a great relaxing weekend spent with Trav in his moncton apartment with his psycho kitty whom I adore. It was just the weekend I needed to really get away but I've come to realise the only solution I have left is to run away. Run away from my problems and far far away. The problems and the solutions... The one I feel alive around, because I don't feel alive enough.

Sleep tonight may be an issue. The after-weekend sleep adjustment isn't ever fun. And I'm not talking about the cause being from drinking. I'm talking about the cause being a lack of Trav in my bed...

Who the fuck is Leon?

Ever since I've moved into this house, on a fairly regular basis I hear someone outside yelling the name Leon. But dragging it out real long...like, Leeeeeeeeeooooooooooon! Who the fuck is Leon and where is he always disappearing to??!

And why is it that I always hear the words I crave to hear when they are drunken ramblings but never when they aren't?

I get to spend the weekend in Moncton with Phil and Trav's kitten...I'm pumped!

On cloud 9.

Everything feels good right now. Real good. Too good to be true. I feel butterflies dancing in my stomach when I think of him. It feels like a girlie crush. Although different. It scares me how I feel. Things can't really be going this well in all aspects of my life, can they? Something is not as it seems. But what? I think I'm getting my promotion at work very soon as well. Hopefully this is the end of them dragging me around as keyholder when I've been doing the daily responsiblities of assistant manager all along. Eeeeeeee.. I'm very antsy for friday. I want it here, now. I want to be there, now..

A much needed lazy day.

I'm finding a hard time keeping up with the responsibility of having a blog..aka daily or almost daily updates. However, it seems my life in blog form is lacking. I'm going to have to work a little bit harder. Why do I even care? Because its fun to go back months and years later and read how you were feeling a certain day. And sometimes it helps to write things out. (Hence a lot of 'moody confused gill' posts you read a lot) Anyways.... point is, I'm going to try harder. It's all I can do!

Its finally my day off after a long 6 day work stretch that seemed to last a year. It was crammed full of floorsets and windows. My body is sore and run down. I'm sick and hacking up yellowish phlegm. Delish... I have also been an insomniac lately...I cannot fall asleep before 5 or 6am. Last night was the same, except I decided to opt for a sleepover in the living room with Heat, Waking Life, chips, neo citron and scratch tickets. Which I won 7 dollars on! ;) I hope getting to sleep tonight isn't too much of a hassle...since I work at 8am tomorrow morning. It will be the first day shift I've had in a long long while!

I'm looking forward to the weekends festivities...in a different city.

Fun fact of the day:

Did you know that its legal to drive a school bus if you make it the "c ool bus" by taking out the s and h out of the word school, paint it and take out all but 4 seats?

Getting away!

I had an amazing last couple weekends involving roadtrips, bars, different cities and friends! Last weekend I head to SJ with Farva, Heat and Laura where we met up with Phil and Trav and stayed at the Delta. I met up with old friends whom I've missed dearly and many drinks were consumed. There were bathroom adventures, getting locked out of the hotel room at 5am, disappearing Heat and hurricanes! This weekend consisted of a roadtrip with Heat to Moncton where we stayed with Trav and went out to the O2 and to some random Salsa bar that should have been closed (because it was past 2am) but it wasn't. They also served us drinks. I love roadtrips!

Post-grad breakdown.

I can't keep doing it but I can't stop doing it. Thats the challenge I keep coming face to face with. I'm in such a weird mood tonight. I'm so tired from the last week full of work and floorsets. My body is utterly exhausted and achy. Yet my mind is racing. I don't feel like myself at all today. I feel really depressed. I want to cry. I'm lonely. The only person I want to be here is 167km away and the only person I want to be here is the person I shouldn't. What the hell am I doing? With myself? My life? Everything? Nothing I do anymore seems to make sense...where did Gill go? I'm breaking down... I'm so stressed out about what to do with my life its insane. Absolutely insane.

Reality?

My facebook horoscope today says:

"It's time to let a chapter of your life come to an end. It's hard to say goodbye sometimes, but important to realise when you need to move on."

Another motivational post, but somewhat real.

Dear Yeti,

I will no longer allow you to control my life and my actions. I will no longer allow you to destroy my lungs and allow you to take my hard earned money. I will triumph over you and I will cease to cough up black mucas into garbage cans and kleenex.

The End.

I'm still alive!

This post has been well overdue because of a lack of a wireless router in this new house. I'll try to be a bit more faithful but you'll have to be patient with me as plugging my computer into the modem upstairs in the hallway is a bit of a hassle. Anyways, I'm all moved into my new house, with my three roommates Vanessa, Kristen and Ashley. It is an amazing house and I'm loving it so much! I'll have to take some pictures and post them. The address is rather random too, 669 Scully. Easy to remember!

So, what is new. I'm finally completely single and I'm lonely and I miss my best friend. Work is taking over my life. So...basically I feel exactly the same way I felt most of the summer. Sweeeet. Some real changes need to be made in my life too. I need to cut the smoking habit before I die and go to the doctor before I worry myself sick. Basically I need to get off my lazy ass and do things to keep my mind from wandering.

Everyone warned me, but I didn't listen.

Just as I thought everything was flipping around I was wrong. Money doesn't buy happiness. Sure I am going to be able to pay off all my bills on thursday, but I'm still not happy. My job and my life are eating away at me... What am I doing? Its all or nothing. I need to stick up for myself.

Its all happening!

What a fantastic week this has been. I am in utter disbelief about what my mom gave me! When she came up she took me out for a coffee and we sat in the park while she told me I was the estate recipient of $15,000 from my grandmother who just died. Its absolutely amazing. I have a chance to pay off all my credit card debts and start over! I'm not making the same stupid money mistakes I've made before this time.

Wednesday and thursday I spent in Moncton with Trav. We drove up after I was done work on wednesday and drank a bit at his apartment, followed by a drunk playground adventure. We went to Magnetic Hill Zoo on thursday. I snagged a bit of free vodka that someone had left under the seat in my car so I drank the rest of that last night with Laura and I had another playground/park adventure, but this time with Randy. It was fun, but my arms are sore from the monkey bars today. haha

It is friday. My interview for assistant manager is today!

Clueless?

My mom is coming up to freddy to visit me tomorrow. Although I'm a bit worried about what this trip is really about. She wouldn't tell me over the phone. She said we had to talk and go over something. I hate when moms make you worry...

On a side note, I feel utterly exhausted. My body and mind are about to shut down. I only take in about 50% of what is going on around me (Chris Travis quote from last night). Its true though, I'm oblivious! Probably due to the total of 17 hours of sleep I've had in 4 days... The sleepovers are so worth it. I can't blame it on the sleepovers though, its because I got scheduled for morning shifts all weekend and of course I drank and stayed up late. I love staying up late. I'm a nightowl.

We sat in the sunporch last night smoking and watching spider battles. Dale/Onyx, our huge resident spider, battled some small gangly foreigner whom we named Tiny Tim outside the sunporch window. It was probably the most fascinating yet disgusting thing I've ever witnessed.

My place.

I seem to write a lot of blog entries lately in the sunporch while sitting on the green couch, high and alone. Maybe its because it gives me a lot of time to think. Or maybe its because I'm in a relaxed atmosphere amongst the American Eagle decor. Who knows. But here I am again. I am going to miss this sunporch so so much its unreal. This whole house actually. 20 days until its Goodbye Charlotte and Welcome 669 Scully. I have to make these last 20 days as good as I can! Its at this point in time where a digital camera would come in handy.. To capture the last rays of life at Charlotte.

"I don't care what my friends say, won't listen to the words that they say, there's no way that they could know"

Work today was not fun. I was haggard. But it was worth it! I had a ton of fun at the Black and White Party last night, I met and talked to a lot of random people!! Highlights of the night include smoking a joint in Marks sister's car, the trippy strobe light coffee table dancing, backyard smokes and chats, being hit on by a girl and finding Chris Reid's lost bookbag. Great night indeed. But like I said, this morning I did not feel so well. A lot of free drinks were handed to me last night. Who can refuse a free beer? Really!

Did I mention that apparently I had not changed my address for my student loan documents and they were still going to 672 Graham? Claire never told me til now that I had mail, but it was dated for April 22...and I just opened it on Wednesday. It said I owe 405 dollars on August 31 for my loan and I have to continue paying $405 a month for 6 1/2 years! AHHHHH!! I'm freaking out! My cell phone was also temporarily shut off due to my $200 cell phone bill. I've been making payments every time I get paid but I guess it wasn't enough for them! I feel so lost without my phone and I really cannot afford all these expenses! Plus the $800 I have to come up with for my rent and damage deposit in September. Oh, and replacing a window due to my own drunken stupidity.

My interview for assistant manager at AE is on friday. *crossing my fingers*