Everyone warned me, but I didn't listen.

Just as I thought everything was flipping around I was wrong. Money doesn't buy happiness. Sure I am going to be able to pay off all my bills on thursday, but I'm still not happy. My job and my life are eating away at me... What am I doing? Its all or nothing. I need to stick up for myself.

Its all happening!

What a fantastic week this has been. I am in utter disbelief about what my mom gave me! When she came up she took me out for a coffee and we sat in the park while she told me I was the estate recipient of $15,000 from my grandmother who just died. Its absolutely amazing. I have a chance to pay off all my credit card debts and start over! I'm not making the same stupid money mistakes I've made before this time.

Wednesday and thursday I spent in Moncton with Trav. We drove up after I was done work on wednesday and drank a bit at his apartment, followed by a drunk playground adventure. We went to Magnetic Hill Zoo on thursday. I snagged a bit of free vodka that someone had left under the seat in my car so I drank the rest of that last night with Laura and I had another playground/park adventure, but this time with Randy. It was fun, but my arms are sore from the monkey bars today. haha

It is friday. My interview for assistant manager is today!

Clueless?

My mom is coming up to freddy to visit me tomorrow. Although I'm a bit worried about what this trip is really about. She wouldn't tell me over the phone. She said we had to talk and go over something. I hate when moms make you worry...

On a side note, I feel utterly exhausted. My body and mind are about to shut down. I only take in about 50% of what is going on around me (Chris Travis quote from last night). Its true though, I'm oblivious! Probably due to the total of 17 hours of sleep I've had in 4 days... The sleepovers are so worth it. I can't blame it on the sleepovers though, its because I got scheduled for morning shifts all weekend and of course I drank and stayed up late. I love staying up late. I'm a nightowl.

We sat in the sunporch last night smoking and watching spider battles. Dale/Onyx, our huge resident spider, battled some small gangly foreigner whom we named Tiny Tim outside the sunporch window. It was probably the most fascinating yet disgusting thing I've ever witnessed.

My place.

I seem to write a lot of blog entries lately in the sunporch while sitting on the green couch, high and alone. Maybe its because it gives me a lot of time to think. Or maybe its because I'm in a relaxed atmosphere amongst the American Eagle decor. Who knows. But here I am again. I am going to miss this sunporch so so much its unreal. This whole house actually. 20 days until its Goodbye Charlotte and Welcome 669 Scully. I have to make these last 20 days as good as I can! Its at this point in time where a digital camera would come in handy.. To capture the last rays of life at Charlotte.

"I don't care what my friends say, won't listen to the words that they say, there's no way that they could know"

Work today was not fun. I was haggard. But it was worth it! I had a ton of fun at the Black and White Party last night, I met and talked to a lot of random people!! Highlights of the night include smoking a joint in Marks sister's car, the trippy strobe light coffee table dancing, backyard smokes and chats, being hit on by a girl and finding Chris Reid's lost bookbag. Great night indeed. But like I said, this morning I did not feel so well. A lot of free drinks were handed to me last night. Who can refuse a free beer? Really!

Did I mention that apparently I had not changed my address for my student loan documents and they were still going to 672 Graham? Claire never told me til now that I had mail, but it was dated for April 22...and I just opened it on Wednesday. It said I owe 405 dollars on August 31 for my loan and I have to continue paying $405 a month for 6 1/2 years! AHHHHH!! I'm freaking out! My cell phone was also temporarily shut off due to my $200 cell phone bill. I've been making payments every time I get paid but I guess it wasn't enough for them! I feel so lost without my phone and I really cannot afford all these expenses! Plus the $800 I have to come up with for my rent and damage deposit in September. Oh, and replacing a window due to my own drunken stupidity.

My interview for assistant manager at AE is on friday. *crossing my fingers*

A drunk one.

Why do I feel like punching something again? Why did I want to smash beer bottles on the road? What am I doing! Please save me. Put a smile on my face, I beg of you.

Bloodfest 07

So last night, I drank two Rockstar vodkas and a little over a quarter pint of rum. I decided it would be a smart idea to relieve drunken anger and frustration by punching my kitchen window. Little did I know that I am strong enough to actually put my fist all the way through the window and shatter it. I'm paying for that mistake now with my damage deposit and cut up knuckles and gashes in my wrist and bloodloss.

The inspiration I needed.

Our new store manager started work today. My first impression? Absolutely amazing. I feel as if he's going to work extremely well with our management team and our staff. I'm pumped! I'm sure the staff will love him just as much! He has already cleared up a lot of little things I never really understood that well before. Its great!

Tonight is Farva-Fest. It sucks that I'm so broke that I can't afford liquor to drink tonight... Oh well, my body needs a break.

And the majority of them were photographed while intoxicated.

I really wish I had extra income so I could save money for a new camera. My poor old one has died for good, after having taken 3829 photos (+ a few more that are still on my memory card). It was totally my own fault though... Gill's natural clutziness + booze + camera = unfortunate destruction. I vow on my new cameras sake that I will take extreme care and caution not to let destruction ever fall upon its poor soul again. That is, if I can save enough money to buy a new camera...

As far as photos go, this is the last photo I have saved on my computer before the camera died. Lovely isn't it?

"Disintergrated by the rising sun; A rolling black out of oblivion; And I'd like to think that I'm your #1"

Again, another excellent sleep. Sleeps are so much better when he's around. It never fails. Still my head is flooded with thoughts. So I've customized my blog as you can see. Do you like? Why, why, why do I keep feeling such a mix of emotions all the time? I'm so A.D.D that even my emotions are turning A.D.D.!

View from the rooftop:

It was a technological word..shit, technical!!

Today has been an excellent day, minus waking up in excruciating pain from drinking last night. It started out by waking up next to my best friend followed by a trip with him and Miray to the beach out in Mactaquac. We met up with the rest of the Graham crew. Could I ask for more? I can never get enough of the beach. Afterwards I ended up at Forest Hill Towers in an indoor pool with Farva-Farv and two of his friends. Its funny how in the middle of typing this entry of how awesome my day is I get accused of not doing the dishes when I DID do them. It was on friday night, of course it doesn't look like the dishes were done!

The only loser in the situation that is my life.

I don't know what to think. I don't know what to believe. I hear so many conflicting opinions and arguments. I don't know who to trust anymore. Sometimes I talk too much. Sometimes I hear things that I really don't want to hear, things that anger me and that make me sad simultaneously. Sometimes I hear things that make me giddy deep down and give me false hope. What the hell am I doing?! Am I really in this situation? ME? I should have more sense by now after my crazy relationship past. This however, I've never done. It's all new. Its tearing me apart inside. I'm the only loser in this situation. I'm getting nothing. Then why can't I put an end to this nonsense? Because I'm still in love. I can't explain it and it doesn't make sense. Things just need to be figured out soon, because I'm falling into a slump. Something either needs to happen, or it needs to end. Completely.

"Don't spend time beating on a wall, hoping to transform it into a door" - Coco Chanel

On second thought...

maybe I just enjoy sex a little too much?

alone on the roof with nothing but too many feelings.

I tried typing my thoughts down into an email, with intentions on sending it. Now I'm wondering, should I?